Loss and Gain

Once you passed one hardship, a few walks later another one will come your way. This one shall be harder since you are tougher now. That is the cycle until the final one came. The final one shall be your death. The End.

Seeing children losing their mum, husband losing his wife due to covid made me reminisce the day I'll lose Abah.

When you were in the stage of that person in dire illness or coma, you keep hoping, praying, doing anything to return it to normal. Deep down only you and yourself know it. Will it return and how we adjust or Will it ends and how do we move forward?

When the gavel hit down. It's decided. You're permanently losing your loved one. No more phone calls, no more talking to him or her, you can't do anything with them anymore.

The funeral and all the condolence will be quick and just passing thru. You hope to do your best for the loved one final journey. The next morning and days after the reality start to seep in. Your life totally changed. You lose your support. You keep wondering why this thing happens to you. You try to find a reason to blame. Only time will dry the wound and left a permanent scar there. It won't heal. After that, you pick it up what is left and continue on.

How long the time it takes you would not know. Maybe months, years, or maybe never. Some just never. 

After losing Abah, I'll figure the worst things God could do was take my wife during pregnancy or labor. It can be worse but we will never know until the time came. God had a special relationship with me and how to F me up. Hopefully, things got better and my family and I got tougher to face it.

Wife is a significant factor that decides your life. It works both ways but at different tunes. Husband needs a wife he can count on, do not complicate his life, and fight together. The wife needs a husband that wants more (unless she prefers a static life), a husband that is Independent (doesn't do traditional and wants her to do all the house things alone), and a husband she can count on.

If the thing does not work both ways, then it shall be like dragging an anchor.

Every time my wife asks "why do I choose her ?"

The utmost reason is that I know she can be my float. Together we can be great.

Kisah

Ada masa kita kisahkan sangat permasalahan orang

Tanpa kita sedar orang tak kisahkan pun kehidupan kita

Kesusahan

 Aku always terfikir kenapa ada orang susah, ada orang senang. Adakah orang susah tak nak jadi senang. Apa yang dia cuba buat untuk jadi senang. Aku rasa aku pun ada masa susah. Ada masa kesusahan datang bertimpa. Mungkin itu sebahagian dari sumpahnya dan terima kasih aku rasa aku berjaya lepas.

Aku ada terfikir satu teori. Agama tu kita letak tepi sekejap ini hanya teori dan semua orang pun akan ditimpa kesusahan. Kalau kesusahan tu datang dekat kau level 30%, antara kau hadap dan selelaikan atau lari. Kalau kau selesaikan lepas tu kau akan ada dekat level 0% dan datang yang lain 25% kau hanya ada 25% untuk hadap. Kalau kau lari bila kesusahan tu datang kau ada 55% level kesusahan. Which is lagi susah untuk selesaikan.

Bila kau dah selesaikan kesusahan tu kau akan dapat pengalaman dan jadi lebih kuat. Aku jenis apa yang datang aku hadap je. Lagi aku tak selesaikan aku takkan tenang. Mungkin tu juga sebab aku kena sumpah lah. Jadi betul ke teori aku lagi aku lari lagi teruk kesusahan yang datang.

Ada masa kita tak nampak macam mana nak selesaikan masalah kita, tapi orang lain nampak senang je nak selesaikan. Then, ada pula yang cakap kau tak tahu susah orang lagi kau tak rasa. Mungkin aku jenis hadap je kesusahan tu head on je.

Ada orang cakap kalau kau tak pernah rasa susah kau takkan rasa senang. Aku rasa itu betul dan orang yang dah pernah susah dia takkan nak susah lagi. 

Aku pernah hidup susah atau aku yang susahkan hidup aku sendiri. Nak cedok sayur ambik dalam pinggan atau nak order air kalau makan nasi campur aku fikir 10 kali. Padahal takkan habis pun duit aku takat berapa ringgit tu. Dulu aku boleh hidup pagi masak nasi, then pergi kelas lunch balik beli sayur kuah then goreng telur. Aku habis dalam seringgit dua je sehari.Hidup je aku dekat UiTM tu.

Aku rasa dengan umur aku sekarang dengan apa yang aku ada, aku berada dalam level senang. Tapi kalau kau tak hadap apa yang kesusahan dulu tu dekat mana level aku sekarang ?

Dallas Buyers Club

 The film tells the story of Ron Woodroof, an AIDS patient diagnosed in the mid-1980s when HIV/AIDS treatments were under-researched, while the disease was not understood and highly stigmatized. As part of the experimental AIDS treatment movement, he smuggled unapproved pharmaceutical drugs into Texas for treating his symptoms and distributed them to fellow people with AIDS by establishing the "Dallas Buyers Club" while facing opposition from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

A good true story about a guy fighting AIDS, he gets it from unsafe sex practice. During the mid-1980 whoever have HIV/AIDS would not have long to live. He was diagnosed and only given 30 days to live. Initially, his first character was a wild weekend rodeo then after the diagnosis, he did his own research on how to survive with AIDS. He is far away from giving up and fighting away by his own method, living healthy, using his own medicine. He ends up living for another 7 years.

The movie got me thinking, you are only dead when you give up. How impossible the thing is you still can fight it. The fighting will be hard and long. When it about your body and health you will be fighting to the end. When the fighting stop, your life also stops. I also had a similar health issue even not that bad, I could felt how Ron felt.

Watching the movie, I also wonder AIDS was so deadly and taboo during the old day. People relate it to LGBT. This group surely knew they are at risk of HIV with their choice of life, but why they still do it. Do their lust outweigh their life? 

Darjat

Darjat is your level and place in society social hierarchy. In Islam whoever good and practice Islamic in their life shall be lifted off their Darjat to Allah. That you shall never know until your afterlife. All you can do now is assumed.

How your Darjat in society? Who decides who is better? Which job have better Darjat? How do you get better Darjat?

People around you decide your Darjat. An Iman will be respected in his qariah but if you put in around atheists they shall put nothing. A mob boss for sure will have good Darjat in prison compare to goody people. 

What if you decide you have higher Darjat than others? People will get irritated.

To have better Darjat you shall make good deed with other, carry yourself with class. Then, you carry a different atmosphere around you.