Terawikh

Ramadhan 1442H

Aku tak ingat bila first aku pergi terawikh. Ada satu tahun aku masih sekolah rendah. Mungkin darjah 1 atau 2. Terawikh dekat Surau Taman Jambu. Abah bukanlah orang yang pergi masjid setiap malam. Tiba tiba dia ajak aku pergi masjid malam. Aku budak yang tak tahu apa ikut sahaja. Mula mula blur juga apahal siang dah lah puasa malam kena pergi surau. Benda yang buat aku kagum dengan terawikh ni bacaan antara setiap rakaat. Masa tu ada seorang pak cik tu suara dia merdu baca benda ni. Memang aku kagum. Bagi aku selagi aku tak dengar benda ni memang tak ada feel bulan puasa.

Ada satu tahun aku terawikh dekat surau seksyen 7 bilal dia baca flat je. Potong stim betul. Biasa memang kami buat 8 rakaat. Kalau 20 pun bila dah 10 malam terakhir. Aku dengan Abah bukan jenis beriman tinggi sangat pun tapi ada satu tahun kami buat gila. Kami buat 20 rakaat straight sebulan. Legendary. Aku tak ada la nak cakap aku hebat tapi terawikh ni memang tak ada rasa apa beban pun dekat aku. Tapi aku buat at my own term. Jangan kau memandai pergi buat ceramah lepas 4 rakaat ke memamg aku balik lah. Ada surau terlebih bijak pergi baca 2 pages satu rakaat. Ada imam yang terlebih khusyuk dia bantai sujud 2 3 minit. Lebam dahi tahu ke tak.

Kadang kadang aku wonder ada orang dah umur 40an 50an tak ada rasa pun nak pergi terawikh. Benda tu boleh buat sebulan je dalam setahun tapi kau prefer berehat lepas perut kenyang. Mungkin diorang tak ada kesedaran.

Aku harap aku dapat implement benda yang sama dekat anak anak aku. Maybe terawikh boleh jadi their sweet memory of me when i'm gone.

Stability

 What do people crave and want?

Why do they need wealth, power, and influence?

All these are actually tools for people to achieve stability. Stability is what people crave and dream of. Then what is this stability?

A Richman earning 100K a month but spending 105k on his monthly expense is not stable instead of a student given 100 ringgit by the parent for 20 ringgit weekly spending more than happy and stable.

Our grandparent with 13 obedience kids following all their needs is more secure compare to us with one or two kids that are exposed to all the wilds of today's world.

With stability, you can grow. Grow from position of stability to position of comfort. Albeit, this growth also means your stability column will shift to a greater need. The student happy with 100 ringgit will later need 100K to grow to a stable Richman. He also can become a guy just needing 1000 ringgit to feel compensated.

Stability is nurtured and shaped along with our life. Myself coming from a small family, my parent was not rich, we use to drive a Saga without air-con only imagining of all the fancy stuff. Always looking at others with all the benefits at a greater position. Creating the feel of stability in me if only I am in that position. The only grade for me is A, lesser than that considered fail. I had once felt depressed due to this. Monetary I am used to hearing big value from my father. Some people when they heard 100K they can imagine a lot of things, for me 100k could not do much. That does not mean that I spend a lot but knowing a lot of things out there that required money, 100K would not buy me much.

Stability and growth to have known boundaries. Growth without boundaries shall never achieve stability and stability without logical boundaries shall mean you need impossible growth.

They said the thirties are for you to grow and achieve stability for your forties.

Office Politics

The politic will always be there. You cannot run for it. I'll consider myself good with it. I can survive, able to manipulate to my end and read people.

Today I felt sick of it. In the politics you know you won't be your true self and someone will hate you for sure. That the standard. So, you don't keep claiming you are good and you are doing your job perfectly. If you and the world is working perfectly then, they will be no need for politic.

It is there because you are not doing what you should do. So, stop saying you are right, playing the victim and others are wrong. It is sickening.

30 YEARS OLD

Today my life turns into a new milestone. Every Birthday, I look into what I had achieved last year. Some years are to be proud of some just a memory I want to forget.

30 years old

0 - 5: My memories kind of vague. I remember a few goods and bad. It was a very distant memory. I can remember Malacca. Other than that all is very blurred.

6 - 12: The time where I felt I am at the top of the world. My world was very small at that moment. A small child yet to see the rough world. School just a playground to me. 

13 - 15: All the heartbreak keep pouring in. I sort of lost trying to find my way around the mess of my world.

16 - 17: The world keeps becoming bigger. I start to understand something so much bigger than usual and unchangeable. A regular effort would not change anything.

18 - 23: Experienced from my venture to the open world, I start to work around it but sometimes I think I am too smart to play around it and I fell short. All those bruised given me more experience.

24 - 25: Launching my career in the outworld. Very tough, I keep my shit all the way. Good feeling to earn my own money.

26 - 28: Just lost Abah. I lost my way for a while. Get married and have a kid. Figuring all this and making my way with it. A lot of things happening.

29: More insightful things happen. I need to repair myself, having my second child. A new challenge that I need to face to grow up.

30 years maybe half of my lifetime or a third of it. Maybe I all ready past my halftime and nearly the end. Hopefully after this I able to endure all the challenges coming and come up well.

Wealth

I am in a position where I am not that comfortable or under any worst hardship. I am not financially that strong. I have some cash but I haven't reached my goal.

It is not much on the positive side but I still keep spending. Sometimes I also wonder. Thinking of it today, I avoid myself from buying subway for eleven ringgit but then I bought a small cup of cappuccino for ten ringgit.

The urge to keep rewarding myself or buy something better always got me spending. I can save more if I buy cheaper jogging shoes, cheaper tws earbud, keeping using the damaged phone. I keep reminding myself that I need to keep using this thing so the money spends to become more efficient. Simply a 100 ringgit shoes if you wore it 100 times it becomes only a ringgit per times compare to 40 ringgit shoes that you only wore twice. Thing like shirt, jeans and some food a can sustain myself better from buying a new one. I don't mind wearing old cloth.

I need to be better at choosing my spending. I splurged a lot on things like Lego, shoes, kitchen or house things that I seldom use. I keep buying them when I feel that I need them even I rarely need them. I have boxes of Lego yet to be open. In my defence, I don't have place to display them yet. For now, just keep them in the store.

When you become a parent, anything you spend or earn you keep thinking about your children. What to buy for them and what they like. How to make their life better. Aaron has a whole room of toys. I felt bad if I buy them cheap or fake toys. I felt that better I bought you expensive toys that you appreciate than cheap toys that you just throw away. Similar to cloth, I feel bad if I dress them in low-quality cloth. Abah never does it to us when we are growing up. I feel better my kids have less cloth but what they have is a good one.

I am far from job security or long term investment. Construction is far from secure now, not sure where our next project is and I only have investment plan not knowing when I will start it. The last day of 2020. I need to start soon.

Next, I am 30. The thirties is where you will struggle and work hard to strengthen what you had started. The forties will be too late. I hope the next ten year shall be better.

I have a lot of dreams. Good house, good car, holiday and travelling. Sometimes I wonder what other people less fortunate dream of. According to my wife, they just dream of surviving the next day. I pray not to be there.

To more of hustling, hard work and good life ahead.

Ahmad Syazzuwan

31 December 2020

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