Legacy - Altimet - Aku Tahu

Altimet - Aku Tahu

Bila berdepan tak bisa bicara lidahku kaku

Jadi inilah hatiku didalam lagu

When I want to talk to Abah, I had to think it through, arrange my sentences, our relationship is not that kind of spontaneous and you could just talk about what came across your mind.

Aku tahu dahulu aku sering ingkar

Tahu aku selalu buat harimu sukar

I am hard, I am a rebel, I want it my way. I will push it hard until it goes my way.

Aku tahu kearah kau ku tunding jari

Kerna satu aksi mu selalu mengguris hati

Growing up I always knew that Abah will never understand me. He does not know what I want. He will not be like other fathers. 

Aku faham bila kau kurang memahami

Kenapa senangku ingat susahku memaafi

Even I knew he will never be what I wanted but I keep hoping something happens and change it growing up.

Suruhan mu sangat susah aku taati

Ini semua salahku tidak dinafi

Ku pikul dosa dosa ku ke akhir nanti

Kerna kau mengajar aku inilah cara lelaki

A man will always owe up to what he had done. Whatever you had done, you live with it, make use of it. Never blame others. The burden is always on you to push it forward.

Aku tahu esok lusa kau pasti pergi

Aku tahu kau akan aku kebumi

Ku lakukannya tanpa airmata di pipi

I can't really remember exactly the day how I buried Abah. Things go so fast. I remember looking at my watch, at 5.30pm that day they announced the death. We are at your bedside. The gavel had hit down. It was all set in stone, Abah had left us. I remember all of us cries together outside of the ward. After that, we move fast to complete the burial by that night. I remember reading you Yassin, bathing, solat, and carrying your body to the cemetery. Talkin and that it's. Got a few issues but the past is past. Maybe the one we burying is your body, your essence is still with us.

Lihat kau akan hidup dalam anak anak ku nanti

,,,

Hari Ini Ku Tahu

Memori menghuni di pemikiranku

Akan diungkap waktu sejarah masa depanku

Itu aku tahu

Moving on, anything happens, related or not I keep reminiscing our moment together, what would you say, How things will have been if Abah was still with us.

Aku tahu aku sering pergi

Menyepi berhari aku mencari rezeki

In every moment we as a parent working, doing things, we always keep in mind of our children. Wanted to give them the best.

Ku kembali senyumanmu aku nikmati

Tawamu ku kecapi dan kasihmu ku selami

A son or daughter you will never be able to repay your parent at the moment but looking at your reaction and what you achieve were enough to make us felt repaid. 

Ku tak marah kau kacau tidurku tiap pagi

Genggamanmu kecil hanya muat satu jari

Tapi didalam kampung hatiku kau gergasi

Tak sabar untuk hari kau sebesar aku nanti

Aaron, Akhtar, and their siblings mean so much to us.

Kalau aku berjalanku mahu kau berlari

Ku tadahkan bahu kau capailah matahari

Ingat kau gergasi di bumi gegarkan paksi

As much as Abah pushes me to what I have become today, I want to do the same to all of my children. I want them to be better than me, serve my purpose and support them.

Terima kasih kerana mengajar aku jadi lelaki

You will never be a complete man until you raise another man.

Kau perlu tahu esok lusa ku pasti pergi

Kau perlu tahu aku akan kau kebumi

Lakukannya tanpa airmata di pipi

I want to die one day knowing that I had given my all to raise my children. Nothing less for me to share and they will have sufficient to carry on with their life. In the meantime, I will carry Abah Legacy ensuring him that he had given me enough, no regret for him and he can rest peacefully.

Lihat aku hidup di dalam anak anak mu pasti

Rundown what I had given you to your own later own. Let our legacy flow and be great.

Lihat kau akan hidup dalam anak anak ku nanti

;;

You will never live forever. One way for you to keep living is by being thru others. All that you ever worked for, your legacy could live thru your children. Yes, you could never force others to live the way you wanted but you had been with your kids from day one. Your essence should had infused with them.

You who created the ideal person who they wanted or hated to be. Your kids are your investment. Everyone has their own ideas of how to raise their children. End of the day only the product matters. How hard both of you grind yourself.

We and Our Life

We and our life. Life work in a special way. When we took a certain path all seem good. We are confident of our decision. We got all the reasons behind it. We had thought it through. We had our game plan.

Then, it starts to fuck up. Things don't go according to plan. All of our confidence vanishes. All is wrong. We wish we could reverse it. We hope we could redo it. We could rethink the decision made.

Life does not work like math. One screw up decision does not equal one fucked up moment. It is equal to few numbers of fucked up moments. It shall hunt you until you are old and still regretting.

Always second and third guess yourself. Even when you are 110% sure. Make sure you see all the possible outcomes. No matter how arrogant you are, just hear out what others want to say and think about it. Take 20 minutes before you shut your eyes and think about your life.

Dunia yang Mana

Dunia sementara akhirat yang kekal. Jangan kejar dunia. Itulah yang orang cakap.

Tapi dunia pun tuhan buat. Kalau hanya sementara baik buat macam sangkar hamster. Ada tempat tido, cukup lah.

Tapi dunia ni terlalu besar. Adake orang yang pernah tengok setiap ceruk dunia. Pergi semua tempat, alami semuanya.

Ya akhirat tu kekal tapi sementara kita di dunia kita perlu tengok sebahagian daripadanya. Pergi macam macam tempat yang mampu sampai. Alami nya.

Sibuk bekerja kumpul harta kalau tak ada masa nak belanja kan pun tak guna. Mungkin kumpul yang cukup dan pusing dunia ni. Pergi Australia, Pergi America, Pergi Europe, Pergi Japan, Pergi Afrika. Mungkin naik cruise. Mungkin pusing setiap daerah Pahang, setiap negeri.

Mungkin pergi Sabah, alami setiap daerahnya.

Dunia untuk dinikmati.

5 Years Anniversary

Today five years ago, a fine Saturday morning I woke up just fine to start my journey. I went to see Abah first then drive to Klang. A bit sorrow as Abah who is the one excited for my marriage. Maybe it was a symbol that he had raised me to a certain level and for the future. He plans the date, the value of the arrangement and updated everyone. Even I was surprised during the engagement how he talks his way through. All along I know him he was a man of few words.

We reach Sijangkang on time. I had a list of tasks to be completed on that day and honestly, I just ignored the others with their opinions and plans. I had practised the akad hundreds of times. I just a walk in the park.

Yasmen and I, yes we had been married for five years but we had been together more. More than 10 years. We had been thru thick and thin. We have our plan. Our ideas of how we want to live our life. I had chosen a lady who was willing to fight and sacrifice to be on top. A catalyst, not an anchor.

Things might not be as our full plan but we are where we want to be. We had two kids well-spaced between ages. Growing up quite well. We want them to always be the best. We have our comfort home. We got some luxury and savings.

Let see how the next 5 years be.

Loss and Gain

Once you passed one hardship, a few walks later another one will come your way. This one shall be harder since you are tougher now. That is the cycle until the final one came. The final one shall be your death. The End.

Seeing children losing their mum, husband losing his wife due to covid made me reminisce the day I'll lose Abah.

When you were in the stage of that person in dire illness or coma, you keep hoping, praying, doing anything to return it to normal. Deep down only you and yourself know it. Will it return and how we adjust or Will it ends and how do we move forward?

When the gavel hit down. It's decided. You're permanently losing your loved one. No more phone calls, no more talking to him or her, you can't do anything with them anymore.

The funeral and all the condolence will be quick and just passing thru. You hope to do your best for the loved one final journey. The next morning and days after the reality start to seep in. Your life totally changed. You lose your support. You keep wondering why this thing happens to you. You try to find a reason to blame. Only time will dry the wound and left a permanent scar there. It won't heal. After that, you pick it up what is left and continue on.

How long the time it takes you would not know. Maybe months, years, or maybe never. Some just never. 

After losing Abah, I'll figure the worst things God could do was take my wife during pregnancy or labor. It can be worse but we will never know until the time came. God had a special relationship with me and how to F me up. Hopefully, things got better and my family and I got tougher to face it.

Wife is a significant factor that decides your life. It works both ways but at different tunes. Husband needs a wife he can count on, do not complicate his life, and fight together. The wife needs a husband that wants more (unless she prefers a static life), a husband that is Independent (doesn't do traditional and wants her to do all the house things alone), and a husband she can count on.

If the thing does not work both ways, then it shall be like dragging an anchor.

Every time my wife asks "why do I choose her ?"

The utmost reason is that I know she can be my float. Together we can be great.