RAYA

Hari Raya tak ada makna sangat bagi aku, yang aku tahu puasa dah habis, boleh makan waktu siang. Waktu sekolah rendah aku rasa puasa ni macam dah separuh nyawa. Dia punya haus tu macam nak merangkak lah. Ada je time aku tak puasa minum air paip.

Harini kau suruh aku tak makan 72 jam pun tak ada hal aku rasa. Puasa tu macam benda normal. Tahun 2021 ni aku rasa satu improvement, kami tak pergi bazar sangat, tak membazir, Air pun tak beli. Air satu plastik 5 ringgit, gila apa, 5 ringgit tu dapat nasi lauk ayam. But then, Nasi kukus pulak dia pergi jual RM10, cibet semua nak cepat kaya.

Tradisi kami hari raya biasa sahaja, pergi masjid solat raya, pergi raya rumah saudara mara di Kuantan. Masa budak budak seronok pergi untuk makan dengan dapat duit raya. Bila dah fasa tua ni, when you have all the opinions about other people malas pulak nak pergi beraya. When i joined my wife family, they also have similar things called Baraan. Yang ni aku boleh enjoy sebab aku tak kenal pun all those people so you can be neutral, just enjoy the ambien and food. 

Aku ingat ada satu tahun Abah semangat nak buat persiapan raya. Kami buat lemang from scratch, rendang, ketupat. Aku rasa yang seronok sebenarnya buat persiapan raya. Beli baju raya, that sort of things. When Raya comes, lepas solat raya dia dah jadi macam hari biasa. TV pun dah tak macam dulu tak menarik. 

In a few years, how will Raya be for my kids?

Terawikh

Ramadhan 1442H

Aku tak ingat bila first aku pergi terawikh. Ada satu tahun aku masih sekolah rendah. Mungkin darjah 1 atau 2. Terawikh dekat Surau Taman Jambu. Abah bukanlah orang yang pergi masjid setiap malam. Tiba tiba dia ajak aku pergi masjid malam. Aku budak yang tak tahu apa ikut sahaja. Mula mula blur juga apahal siang dah lah puasa malam kena pergi surau. Benda yang buat aku kagum dengan terawikh ni bacaan antara setiap rakaat. Masa tu ada seorang pak cik tu suara dia merdu baca benda ni. Memang aku kagum. Bagi aku selagi aku tak dengar benda ni memang tak ada feel bulan puasa.

Ada satu tahun aku terawikh dekat surau seksyen 7 bilal dia baca flat je. Potong stim betul. Biasa memang kami buat 8 rakaat. Kalau 20 pun bila dah 10 malam terakhir. Aku dengan Abah bukan jenis beriman tinggi sangat pun tapi ada satu tahun kami buat gila. Kami buat 20 rakaat straight sebulan. Legendary. Aku tak ada la nak cakap aku hebat tapi terawikh ni memang tak ada rasa apa beban pun dekat aku. Tapi aku buat at my own term. Jangan kau memandai pergi buat ceramah lepas 4 rakaat ke memamg aku balik lah. Ada surau terlebih bijak pergi baca 2 pages satu rakaat. Ada imam yang terlebih khusyuk dia bantai sujud 2 3 minit. Lebam dahi tahu ke tak.

Kadang kadang aku wonder ada orang dah umur 40an 50an tak ada rasa pun nak pergi terawikh. Benda tu boleh buat sebulan je dalam setahun tapi kau prefer berehat lepas perut kenyang. Mungkin diorang tak ada kesedaran.

Aku harap aku dapat implement benda yang sama dekat anak anak aku. Maybe terawikh boleh jadi their sweet memory of me when i'm gone.

Stability

 What do people crave and want?

Why do they need wealth, power, and influence?

All these are actually tools for people to achieve stability. Stability is what people crave and dream of. Then what is this stability?

A Richman earning 100K a month but spending 105k on his monthly expense is not stable instead of a student given 100 ringgit by the parent for 20 ringgit weekly spending more than happy and stable.

Our grandparent with 13 obedience kids following all their needs is more secure compare to us with one or two kids that are exposed to all the wilds of today's world.

With stability, you can grow. Grow from position of stability to position of comfort. Albeit, this growth also means your stability column will shift to a greater need. The student happy with 100 ringgit will later need 100K to grow to a stable Richman. He also can become a guy just needing 1000 ringgit to feel compensated.

Stability is nurtured and shaped along with our life. Myself coming from a small family, my parent was not rich, we use to drive a Saga without air-con only imagining of all the fancy stuff. Always looking at others with all the benefits at a greater position. Creating the feel of stability in me if only I am in that position. The only grade for me is A, lesser than that considered fail. I had once felt depressed due to this. Monetary I am used to hearing big value from my father. Some people when they heard 100K they can imagine a lot of things, for me 100k could not do much. That does not mean that I spend a lot but knowing a lot of things out there that required money, 100K would not buy me much.

Stability and growth to have known boundaries. Growth without boundaries shall never achieve stability and stability without logical boundaries shall mean you need impossible growth.

They said the thirties are for you to grow and achieve stability for your forties.

Office Politics

The politic will always be there. You cannot run for it. I'll consider myself good with it. I can survive, able to manipulate to my end and read people.

Today I felt sick of it. In the politics you know you won't be your true self and someone will hate you for sure. That the standard. So, you don't keep claiming you are good and you are doing your job perfectly. If you and the world is working perfectly then, they will be no need for politic.

It is there because you are not doing what you should do. So, stop saying you are right, playing the victim and others are wrong. It is sickening.

30 YEARS OLD

Today my life turns into a new milestone. Every Birthday, I look into what I had achieved last year. Some years are to be proud of some just a memory I want to forget.

30 years old

0 - 5: My memories kind of vague. I remember a few goods and bad. It was a very distant memory. I can remember Malacca. Other than that all is very blurred.

6 - 12: The time where I felt I am at the top of the world. My world was very small at that moment. A small child yet to see the rough world. School just a playground to me. 

13 - 15: All the heartbreak keep pouring in. I sort of lost trying to find my way around the mess of my world.

16 - 17: The world keeps becoming bigger. I start to understand something so much bigger than usual and unchangeable. A regular effort would not change anything.

18 - 23: Experienced from my venture to the open world, I start to work around it but sometimes I think I am too smart to play around it and I fell short. All those bruised given me more experience.

24 - 25: Launching my career in the outworld. Very tough, I keep my shit all the way. Good feeling to earn my own money.

26 - 28: Just lost Abah. I lost my way for a while. Get married and have a kid. Figuring all this and making my way with it. A lot of things happening.

29: More insightful things happen. I need to repair myself, having my second child. A new challenge that I need to face to grow up.

30 years maybe half of my lifetime or a third of it. Maybe I all ready past my halftime and nearly the end. Hopefully after this I able to endure all the challenges coming and come up well.